You want me to wear what?
“Uh… hi, this is Bob Newhart calling from, uh, the… well, I guess you’d call it the ‘Patriotic Apparel Compliance Office,’ if that’s still the name. Right. Good.
“…Yes, yes, I got the memo. That’s why I’m calling. I, uh… well, it says here that starting Monday we’re to replace the traditional American flag pin with… a solid gold pin of the President’s head.
“…No, I read it carefully. I even held it up to the light to see if there was a hidden punchline. It just says, quote, ‘There is no America, only Trump.’ No smiley face, no j/k at the bottom. Nothing.
“…Right. So… one little question. Is there, ah, an approved size? Because the picture makes it look about… three inches tall, and, uh, I don’t know if my sport coat is rated to support… a presidential cranium in fourteen-karat.
“…Yes, I did notice it says ‘must be worn at all times.’ Even… even in the shower? Oh… especially in the shower. Well, that’s… that’s a level of patriotism I hadn’t quite aspired to.
“…And, just hypothetically, what happens if someone, say, misplaces it? …Uh-huh. A replacement fee and a formal apology. Right. To the President and the pin itself.
“…No, no, I’m sure it’s a very handsome likeness. Angelic. Like a golden calf. I just… well, I’ve been practicing standing perfectly upright because I’m fairly certain the weight of a solid-gold presidential head is going to drag my lapel into a forty-five-degree angle.
“…Yes, I suppose that does look more dramatic.
“…Alright, well, thank you for clearing that up. I’ll just… reinforce my jacket seams and, uh, start rehearsing my apology… just in case I accidentally drop the Commander-in-Chief down a sewer drain.”
I liked it better when it was just funny stupid instead of scary stupid.
