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The Infinity Push-up Challenge

You can do 100 push-ups? Big deal. Let’s see how you do with the Infinity Push-up Challenge!

Scientific studies suggest that the number of push-ups you can do correlates to how much money you’ll earn, how many people love you, and how many grocery bags you can carry in one trip. Not only that, push-ups hit all the important muscle groups: biceps, triceps, and even the little-known diceps. And nothing fills out an Abercrombie v-neck like a cartoonishly large set of traps, just ask All-American sportsman Steve “Stone Cold” Austin.

You’re not strong. You’re silky boys.

The average American male can only do two push-ups, so how do you get from that paltry number to full-on infinity? I asked three of the best Crossfit trainers in Austin and none of them responded. So here’s a plan I threw together on the back of a few Burger King napkins.

First, you’ll need to find out your MAX REPS. That means good form, no cheatsies, and no pausing for a quick snack. Choose a quiet spot in your living space and knock out as many push-ups as possible. Write this number down and name it MaxYou’ll be following a weekly workout plan, but every 3rd to 5th Friday, you’ll want to skip the 2nd A.M. workout and instead test your MAX REPS. Keep writing this number down (one day it will be INFINITY!).

Silk comes from the butts of Chinese worms.

Second, you’ll want to print out the first few hundred pages of this workout schedule. If you’re concerned about the environment, you could convert it to a PDF and record your progress digitally (you will need a tablet, phone, or computer with infinite space, however). For brevity, I’ve only included the first six and last six weeks of the plan here.

The plan starts slow, perhaps even well below your MAX REPS. For best results, don’t try to skip ahead. Do this workout seven days a week.

Although the plan follows the standard n, n+1, n, n+1, n, n+2 format found in every successful workout routine, there are some caveats to be noted on this journey.

  • WEEK 12 — Also known as Puke Week. Repeat this week as many times as necessary until you can complete it without throwing up.
  • WEEK 52 — A Year of Ups and Downs. Celebrate an entire year on the Infinity Push-up Challenge Workout Plan by skipping the lunch workout.
  • WEEK 1000 — You have made it through 1,000 weeks of push-ups. You are older and wiser now. Your inclination will be to examine whether doing infinity push-ups is worth it. Don’t give in.
  • WEEK 5200 — The Centennial. You’ve been at this for 100 years. Your arms must be huge. I can only imagine what kind of Bugatti you are driving.
  • WEEK (10¹⁰^56)/52 — Is it getting hot in here? Don’t let the Heat Death of the Universe stop from reaching your goal. You’ve come too far to turn back now!
 You haven’t watched this movie in a while, but you should.
You haven’t watched this movie in a while, but you should.

Still not convinced? Check out these testimonials!

“At first, I didn’t think I’d make it past week 714. But then I did.” — John Mowry, 33

“Not only does this plan work, it’s also the most mathematically sound physical fitness routine that has ever been proposed by scientists. I’m so fortunate to live in modern times.” — Lana Robbie, 18

“I’m going to spend the rest of eternity doing infinity push-ups and that makes me six kinds of horny.” — Matt Housley, 58

So who’s ready to get started? Don’t forget: the goal is to do INFINITY push-ups. The sooner you get started, the sooner you’ll finish!

Good luck!

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